I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
