It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
