I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
