There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
