I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
