thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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