noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
