A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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