she woke up with a sticky ear
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
