There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
