The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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