You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
