I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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