I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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