I am spending my child support on dildos
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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