well he's currently spooning the coffee table
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
