I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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