I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Every concussion has its silver lining
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
