Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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