I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize