3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
