After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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