btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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