Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
