You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
