the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
