Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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