I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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