my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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