So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
