I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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