In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
