My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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