Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize