Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
