eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize