His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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