soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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