he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
