He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
