God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
