please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
