My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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