The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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