We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
