I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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