fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
