I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
