Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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