I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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