Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
