i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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