I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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