also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i think my mom watched the whole time
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
