thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
