Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
