I'm so fucking centered right now
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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