I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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