I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
