dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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