The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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