so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
pray to the hookup gods
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
