what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
