there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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