I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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