Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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